You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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