High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
