I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
