I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
