Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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