Your face is a jimmy john
I'm so fucking centered right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
