I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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