what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
