Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
