I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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