I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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