u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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