I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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