It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
