Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
