I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
