brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
