forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
