Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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