MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
