I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i permit you to call me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
