I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
