the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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