did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
