he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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