Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
