Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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