I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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