you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Floor bacon is actually really good
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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