Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
