all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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