he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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