community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
