i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
