My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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