oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
