Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
