dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
