I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
