her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
