nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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