I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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