Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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