mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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