you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
