Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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