i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
