She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
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