guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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