I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
