when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
