i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just want nice things and good sex
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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